But I LIKE being spiteful . . .

Since my last blog, there have definitely been changes. Including letting go of being spiteful toward a certain someone I've had some resentments toward. And let me tell you, letting that go ain't always easy. Uh uh. Ever notice how delicious resentments can feel, I mean, sometimes? You know, those delightful mental scenes where you are finally the victor, where you get to say the things you couldn't think of at the perfect moment, or where the tide of events turns in your direction and away from that other person? Yep, there definitely can be secondary gains to holding onto resentments.

So there's a certain person I've had to let go of since my last blog. I've relished my resentments and righteousness right up until that reading, when things started shaking loose. Until the discomfort overcame the resentment. I should explain. Maybe you can relate.

This person has been a friend for 14 years. The main bond was art and "running with the wolves." We both saw life as the hero's spiritual journey, in which troubles and setbacks were seen as "initiations" and challenges as "opportunities for growth." We looked for messages from the gods, visitations from the spirit world in the form of animal totems and other archetypal self manifestations. Our friendship was cemented in alchemical glue and a delicate dance of energy. In this friendship, I was the leader, because I had led the most unusual, adventurous, and dangerous life between us. I had been laughing into the wind of status-quoness already for 25 years before we met. I had lots of interesting battle scars to show for it. She looked to me for guidance and we delighted in ritual art to celebrate new passages. When I led tonal healing circles on the land, she was my ally. It was all good.

Then she met someone older, more experienced, and that was it. Until one day she didn't confide in me anymore. I felt loss, but we never spoke of it. Perhaps because from her perspective, she had lost nothing. Occasionally she'd show up, on the phone, or in real time, when she needed something, but little was given back. An incident finally broke the dam and created a real parting, acrimonious on my part. Still, we never much spoke of it, nor spoken of it since. Clearly, time to move on, but impossible while holding grudges and hurts like I was doing.

Then came the energy forecast of March 5. On the physical level, HEALING was called for. As I mulled over satisfactions gained from replaying scenes of "getting back," I knew I'd have to drop all that if I really wanted a healing. I guess I was ready because it was effortless as I stepped into the flow of letting go! As I did (and it's taken two weeks for me to get to this point), I got perspective and understanding.

I decided to consult the cards for further wisdom on the matter. After all, on the emotional level, the energies were calling for WISDOM. Why not get in line for a helping of that too, while I'm at it? I mean, if the universe is dishing out, I'm willing to take it on.

So I asked the universe to explain what archetypes my friend and I were playing out in our relationship. The cards revealed me as THE FATHER, which I took to mean the parent role. The older, wiser, more experienced person. That made sense. She, the cards told me, was playing THE ARTIST. Well, that made sense too. That's what drew us together. I've been an artist since before I was 12, and she wanted to be one. I taught her a few tricks, and we became art buddies, but I was still the teacher. Now, she's moving ahead to become an artist for real; while I am moving beyond being an artist. You can't stop being an artist, but it's not my main focus anymore. I'm a therapist now, and I use art and creativity for growth. So far, the cards made perfect sense.

Then I asked how we saw each other. In my eyes, I saw her as an ATHLETE. She's very disciplined with her physical routines and maintains a healthy body and diet. She sees me as a HEDONIST. Yep, I do love to eat and drink; and it shows. I've got some work to do on that score; and as soon as I get a new hip, you betcha I'll be right on it.

Then I asked the universe what we each needed from the relationship now. She needed STANDSTILL, PURIFICATION, and COMMUNITY. The cards are open to interpretation, so after I scratched my head a bit, and decided that she wants me the way I was, wishing I'd get my shit together, lose weight, look better, and live up to her standards. Perhaps now she sees me as part of her community of friends rather than a best friend. The cards show that I want CYCLES, CELEBRATION, and DREAMS. "Cycles" means friendships that can swing with the changes, without judgment. Cycles also tells me it's time for change. I enjoy friendships that can be silly and full of laughs, and ours has stopped doing that. "Dreams" speaks to the unconscious, the dreamtime, the archetypal energies at play, and bringing them into consciousness. It speaks to one's relationship to Self. My desire for a one-on-one friendship is opposed to her desire for a community of friends.

So there it is, spelled out. After I finished the card ritual, a sense of relief and (don't you hate this overused word) "closure" swept over me, along with understanding and maybe even a bit of WISDOM. Friendships go through cycles, and this one was a nebula that had burned up its last fuel. It was good to admit it was over. I could let go of those spiteful mental scenes, knowing we want different things, and that's OK. There are new friends out there waiting to be made.

So how did it go for you out there in virtual land? Did the cards help you zero in on a changing landscape in your life? Do tell.